Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
