The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
