Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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