he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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