It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
