cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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