Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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