i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
