My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
