you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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