I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
