oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...