I should be sponsored by Trojan
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
