Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
