I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
