so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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