im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
