My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
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I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
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I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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