Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
