I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
