Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
