As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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