Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
