I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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