im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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