I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
