i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
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I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
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I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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