he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
