we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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