I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
