Slut skills are useful in every country.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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