I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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