So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
