My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
