my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
