Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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