Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
