Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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