I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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