I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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