Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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