This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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