1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
