ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
