i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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