smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just want to make out with him forever
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
