If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize