I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.