I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
