Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
