my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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