yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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